Monday, August 19, 2013

If God is for you, who can be against you?

Tomorrow is my exam. I realize that this is an opportunity for me to not only get over a trial but to go from glory to glory. Ever since I was a little girl, I would, approach an exam with such intense fear. Normally anything dealing with math would freeze me up (ironic...I do math and science for a living but just the idea).

And, I recall the type of negative thoughts my pastor, Suky, would address herself (and in turn Jesus just started asking her questions) when faced with the dilemma (the dilemma: that not a lot of people would be at church to listen to her preach):

Jesus: You want to bring this to me? Do you want to walk out your talk?
Suky: Sure.
J: So, here's how you feel. What's really true?
S: I feel like you want me to speak and *pouts* nobody is going to be there and it won't be powerful!
J: Ok so what's true?
S: It doesn't matter who's there. The reason I'm speaking is because of you. If I have a message, who needs to hear it will hear it. Jesus you are the reason I live and I am your mouthpiece and I'm not responsible of what's received and how its received.  Its not my job.
J: So which do you choose to believe, but now you know the truth so what do you CHOOSE to believe?

The next step is ACTION. Repentance is just STOP doing it...its not just saying I'm just sorry. But don't even think about those negative thoughts. Don't let that sadness marinate and get big again. Sometimes we SHARE with people what upsets us but then you get all upset all over again.

Lets not do that. And honestly this brings me back to a place to surrender the big and mall things to Christ. When I'm worried or frustrated I just have to fall and tell Jesus everything. Pouring out my heart and being honest about those things and choosing to leave them there. CHOOSING to let God come into that space that I need Him to come to.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Figuring Out Purpose

I've been battling with my inner self for years. My sister called me this morning at 6:30AM. To talk about my fears of the future. GREAT way to start the morning? Really, she called to apologize because she forgot what it was like to be a twenty something year old woman trying to pay her bills, live on her own, go to school, and ultimately being unsure of the future. I got off the phone laughing at how ridiculous I was being because I did lack some faith. God took me this far. I was able to obtain my physics degree when I thought I wouldn't. I was able to get into a graduate program when I thought I also wouldn't. And now, this being my second year, I am at a place where I could continue or discover what really makes my heart tick. I have been looking in Nike Engineering, Under Armor, and Speedo as places to work at. I've look at their job descriptions in hopes of discovering what I might like to do.

I love being athletic, fashion savvy, and technical. I want to utilize these skills all together. What caught my attention during my phone conversation with my sister was her comment: "God gave you all those skills, passions, and the tools to pursue what you are designed to do. So do it." And I feel like its been a sin to NOT do what I KNOW what is RIGHT to do (James 4:17  "The man who has knowledge of how to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin.") I am not saying I have the knowledge to do these things but I think I know how to go about it. I've been researching and really trying to connect with some of these people to see if this is the career for me. Something not overly creative but still technical. Something that would require some athletic skills in the mix. Health conscious and yet fun. I wouldn't say I would thoroughly enjoy it because it is the unknown and the unknown is scary. But once I start walking in the steps that God has ordered for me, I believe that I will be at ease.

This morning after my morning talk with my older sis, I decided to read into Exodus 5-8. Moses was intimate with the Father and was able to receive insight and direction on how to face Pharaoh. Perhaps in my life, Pharaoh is my own negative mind. I have to tell my mind to shut up and believe the WORD of God. To let me get ahold of my dreams and to let me free.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Lean in and take a seat at the table

Sheryl Sandberg's book, Lean In, has challenged me the past couple of weeks in June when my older sister handed me the book to read in a Marriot Hotel parking lot in Minneapolis, Minnesota. We were there to attend my little brother's high school graduation, that not only sprung up debate on where he would attend college and what he would major in. I relished in my memories of my Howard University days, where I would gravitate towards the Yard on a spring afternoon with my Calculus book propped up on my lap trying to do that nights homework assignment. There that memory stayed where I realized I missed that college experience. The Howard University bubble was where I could be this creative cookie whom majored in a hard science but loved to work on my minor in the Fine Arts department. Oh-Howard, how you challenged me to dare to be different!

However, as I kept reading into Sandberg's book in my sister's front seat of her car in that hotel parking lot, I stumbled on this quaint question: What would you do if you weren't afraid? WHOA. Did that scare me more than ever! I mean, here I thought I was actually doing something that I was afraid of: studying physics! Until I realized that, no, physics is hard BUT it ISN'T the thing I would do if I wasn't afraid. It's more like my fallback. If I wasn't afraid I would take my Nike design idea seriously. I would search for a masters program in Industrial or Material Design or Engineering than the obvious Masters in Physics. [Really, who does a masters in physics anyway?]

I returned the book reluctantly to my sister before we parted ways the end of the week. She told me to rent the book out from the local library.

TWO HUNDRED AND FOURTY SIX HOLDS LATER, I get a hold of the Lean In book from the public library. Dude - is everybody trying to read this book? Of course! It was a two month wait for the book but it is worth it. I feel like Sheryl is reading into my soul...scary. I had so many questions about, "What if I hate my job?", "Do I have to be the God-send for women in STEM?" and the infamous, "I feel so inadequate because my male peers make it seem they are better than me because social norms have made it seem like this forever!" I mean, Sandberg addressed all these issues and more! I cannot say she is the Jesus of the career industry. Of course not! But she is one to address the problems that some women didn't even know existed within themselves.

Women in any industry cut themselves short because of their OWN fears. I cannot speak for everyone but I can speak for myself. I believe God has given me a sound mind, body, and soul to achieve whatever mission He has for me. And I have to admit, that this is a relief that I am not the only woman who thinks of all these questions! I'm glad someone faced them and is continuing to face them! Additionally, I love how transparency can be someone else's breakthrough.

Go Sandberg go!