Thursday, May 23, 2013

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

Perhaps, I need some rest. It's already past my bedtime and I'm here overthinking my test. Yes, that know, the test with five questions with various subtopics that should have analyzed whether or not I learned the material or not. But to be honest Father, I am so upset. I'm upset that there were things that I could have done better. There was something I could have done to show my competency. But I doubted myself. How come I don't believe in my abilities. I admit, I believe in your abilities more than mine. I believe that you can push for me, but me - I don't even even let that happen. Professor L said, "You need to believe more in yourself...just trust yourself. I'm giving you a second chance." Father, I can't mess this up. And this whole time, I doubted myself. I doubted myself so much that I would sit and put tiny writing in my paper. I would overanalyze instead of thinking for myself. How could I? And here I thought I was doing what was right. I'm wrong - yes I know it. Father, forgive me. I need you. I'm lost without you. I'm so sad without you. I need you so much more than I can ever understand. My heart and soul cannot be involved with THIS place anymore. No longer should I be rooted in my performance. I just need you. I'm tired of this life that says, "Do this do that. Obtain this degree obtain that degree." Daddy, release me from people pleasing. Release me from wanting to outperform anyone or anything. Just grant me peace. I know I'm dead wrong...I'm just in need of a savior. Because trust me, I need some saving.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

The Battle Against Depression

The Lord has been so gracious and good to me. That I will note, first and foremost. However, I will go back to the beginning of the semester and express and reveal my own battle with depression.

Earlier this semester, I started the semester out really strong. I had begun working out, cooking healthy meals, sleeping earlier, and praying/reading my Word. As the semester kept going, I realized that one of my courses just blew me away. I was lost in the material, however, I kept pushing it back. I believed that I would eventually get it together. Well, I went to a family members wedding in February and after that, depression kicked its ugly tail after March. I spoke to my professor and he was worried about my performance. Now at this point, I had a study group that I may not have been 100% keen on but I made it my business to meet with them twice a week. Then one of my group member's family member died and the other group member was in his own world. So I felt alone. I felt that I had to tackle this whole thing on my own.

Well, that was the mistake. I did NOT seek immediate help from the Lord. I kind of shoved everything off on the side day by day. I stopped working out, stopped eating right, stopped sleeping early, and fell into a DEEP depression. I mean, REALLY deep. I considered hurting myself numerous occasions due to the amount of stress I was going through. There were no words to explain the hurt and pain I felt each morning I woke up. It felt as though this huge burden was over my heart, mind, and throat. I felt like I was suffocating daily. Eventually, after several incidents of miscommunication with friends from my church to my department, I shut everyone out. I decided that it was me, myself, and I. I was hesitate to talk to the Lord, because I was so angry at Him. However, I continued to read Francis Chen's book, "Crazy Love". I wanted to feel convicted. I wanted to feel Jesus in my heart again.

But the thing is...I hardened my heart. I stopped desiring the things of God as much. I didn't want relationship (and trust me, God is ALL about relationship) with people. I put up a huge wall that was so high up that even my close friends were wondering what happened to me.

What I needed to do was OPEN my heart again. I needed to seek help. It was either be desperate for God so much that I want to live or give up.  Yet, I was desperate to leave this empty place in my life. I felt that many things were going wrong and that God Himself didn't want to intervene (Proverbs 28:13-14 "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Blessed is the one who fears the Lord always, but whoever hardens his heart will fall into calamity.") Well, the thing is, is that He does want to intervene. 

He intervened so much on my behalf. I prayed for some decent Christian friends. God provided on my behalf of such a makes no senese how He is so merciful towards me. And He forever relentlessly pursues me (Psalms 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.") and YOU too.

The thing is, is that, sometimes, I believe God lets us go through things to mature us. I couldn't understand why my relationships were going sour, or why my heart has hardened over the past couple of months. But the root was unforgiveness and I needed God to first REPLACE that hardened heart of mine with a flesh one (Ez. 36:26 "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.")

I'm glad to say that God is forever loving on me. Its not a feeling - but I just know. Without Christ, we wouldn't be here on this Earth. He especially made us for relationship. So I encourage you to read John just makes me think that even when things go wrong, that Christ can really mend broken hearts and situations. 

Thank you Jesus.