The Battle Against Depression

The Lord has been so gracious and good to me. That I will note, first and foremost. However, I will go back to the beginning of the semester and express and reveal my own battle with depression.

Earlier this semester, I started the semester out really strong. I had begun working out, cooking healthy meals, sleeping earlier, and praying/reading my Word. As the semester kept going, I realized that one of my courses just blew me away. I was lost in the material, however, I kept pushing it back. I believed that I would eventually get it together. Well, I went to a family members wedding in February and after that, depression kicked its ugly tail after March. I spoke to my professor and he was worried about my performance. Now at this point, I had a study group that I may not have been 100% keen on but I made it my business to meet with them twice a week. Then one of my group member's family member died and the other group member was in his own world. So I felt alone. I felt that I had to tackle this whole thing on my own.

Well, that was the mistake. I did NOT seek immediate help from the Lord. I kind of shoved everything off on the side day by day. I stopped working out, stopped eating right, stopped sleeping early, and fell into a DEEP depression. I mean, REALLY deep. I considered hurting myself numerous occasions due to the amount of stress I was going through. There were no words to explain the hurt and pain I felt each morning I woke up. It felt as though this huge burden was over my heart, mind, and throat. I felt like I was suffocating daily. Eventually, after several incidents of miscommunication with friends from my church to my department, I shut everyone out. I decided that it was me, myself, and I. I was hesitate to talk to the Lord, because I was so angry at Him. However, I continued to read Francis Chen's book, "Crazy Love". I wanted to feel convicted. I wanted to feel Jesus in my heart again.

But the thing is...I hardened my heart. I stopped desiring the things of God as much. I didn't want relationship (and trust me, God is ALL about relationship) with people. I put up a huge wall that was so high up that even my close friends were wondering what happened to me.

What I needed to do was OPEN my heart again. I needed to seek help. It was either be desperate for God so much that I want to live or give up.  Yet, I was desperate to leave this empty place in my life. I felt that many things were going wrong and that God Himself didn't want to intervene (Proverbs 28:13-14 "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Blessed is the one who fears the Lord always, but whoever hardens his heart will fall into calamity.") Well, the thing is, is that He does want to intervene. 

He intervened so much on my behalf. I prayed for some decent Christian friends. God provided on my behalf of such a request...it makes no senese how He is so merciful towards me. And He forever relentlessly pursues me (Psalms 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.") and YOU too.

The thing is, is that, sometimes, I believe God lets us go through things to mature us. I couldn't understand why my relationships were going sour, or why my heart has hardened over the past couple of months. But the root was unforgiveness and I needed God to first REPLACE that hardened heart of mine with a flesh one (Ez. 36:26 "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.")

I'm glad to say that God is forever loving on me. Its not a feeling - but I just know. Without Christ, we wouldn't be here on this Earth. He especially made us for relationship. So I encourage you to read John 1:1-5...it just makes me think that even when things go wrong, that Christ can really mend broken hearts and situations. 

Thank you Jesus.

Dreams

I had a dream the other night. It wasn't like my normal dreams because of the intense imagery and feelings associated with it.

Scene 1: I'm walking by the water and stand in awe of it.  At first, I'm on pavement near my street in SF. Then I see this huge tidal wave coming towards me. At first, I'm thinking, "Oh its cool" but next thing I know, its building up in speed and momentum. It gets bigger and bigger. Then all of a sudden it collapses, but not on me. It collapses behind this window that I'm behind. I literally am in awe because everything outside is devoured by this tidal wave but I'm protected by this glass divider.

Scene 2: After the water incident I'm in this beautiful field. It's night time at this point and everything is glittery and pretty. I'm walking through the grass and look up and see the most beautiful sky. The stars and the shading of the sky was all these purples and blues. It was beautiful. I felt at ease.

I'm not sure what this dream means, but thats all I can remember from two days ago. I thought I would dream of it again since it was so deep but I guess not.

But I will watch and pray

"He did not need man's testimony about man, for he knew what was in a man." - John 2:25

I don't ever want to generalize the male species in anyway. But I want to extrapolate scripture. God has made it clear that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34, Luke 6:45) I think as people of God, people who are led by the Spirit should have discernment in the area of people of the world. You can see what people long for in their lives. You can see what they strive after. You can sense what they are feeling. If you choose to be aware of these things. Be slow to speak, slow to anger, and quick to listen (James 1:19). When you do these things, you can see what is in man. Man will make it CLEAR to you what is in their hearts. 

"He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame." Proverbs 18:13, its clear that people who actually don't take the time to listen, who are quick to speak over you, are honestly foolish. Foolish because they aren't giving the other person a chance to voice their concerns. The foolish man doesn't care what you have to say essentially. Their opinion supersedes anyone else. You can just sit and watch people to see what kind of people they are. God has given us so much scripture and highlights things in people's character.

This just encourages me to shut up a ton and listen more.  I want to be wise, and to be wise is to shush up most of the time. And then think before saying anything!

When I NEED to Speak LIFE

When I Need to Speak Life

Lord, help me to not bring condemnation into my life by the words I speak. I don't want to bring judgment upon myself by foolish or careless things I say. Instead, help me to speak words that bring salvation, love, and gladness to others. Teach me to speak positive words about myself and my own life as well. Help me to never speak words that are not glorifying to You or that grieve Your Spirit. Put a guard over my heart and mouth so that my words bring life to me and to others who hear me.

By your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.

Matthew 12:37

From Stormie Omartian website. This spoke VOLUMES to me.

The AFTER college routine

#heyfranhey workout for january

It is SO easy to gain weight once college is done. However, I refuse to get overweight, or fat for that matter. To me, God gave us this body to complete a purpose.

The purpose isn't to mistreat it with terrible foods or drugs/drinks. It is to cultivate what we have so that we feel to our optimum best to complete the major task at hand: spreading the Gospel to those who are lost. If that means, I have to keep my body in tip top shape, eat right, and have the energy to do so, then so be it!

For while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. 1 Timothy 4:8

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. Proverbs 37:17


However, GODLINESS is much more important because we take that into this world and to the next stage of our being.
Let us remember how important it is to remain spiritually and physically strong. 

mixed oatmeal with flaxseeds & almond milk

vegetable goodness

hearty breakfast: flaxseed bread w/fig spread & peanut butter, eggs w/tomato, almonds, and turkey slices

flaxseed bread w/ sweet potato and fig spread

Girl, you got your guard up!

Lord,

Dear Lord,

I bless your mighty magnificent name! You are the king of kings and lord of lords. You deserve the glory and honor! Father you are SO amazing. The way you knock down the scales in my eyes this evening, means so much to me. Lord, I pray that you continue to show yourself true through every situation. Father, you ALWAYS lead a path through the mighty waters. Thank you for revelation and insight. You are so merciful Lord. Thank you Lord.

I just want to thank you for showing me tonight that you can open discernment in my heart in regard to love. That people will try in their power to ignore you but Lord you will be praised at the end of the day. Father you make it clear in your word that people cannot serve money and other idols. You are the creator of all things so how dare we not pay your homage!

Father, I'm grateful that you have ripped off the bondage of my used to be sins that I can see right through the accuser. That Father, I know who I AM in YOU! I KNOW that I am a daughter of the MOST HIGH GOD!

Lord, I pray that NEXT TIME that I will not spend my time on fools who do not know you but to get engulfed in your Word. That YOU are the only thing I desire. You are the only one I want to plead forever and ever.

Lord, I'm confident in your power.

In Jesus name,

Amen.

Teach Me Your Way O Lord and Lead Me in a Smooth Path

Back to reality. My confidence and self-assurance cannot come from my job, peers, or media.

It comes from God. I am asking the Lord today to teach me His way and to lead me to smooth pathways so that I may grow confident in His Word and Promises. I cannot be straw on the ground being lifted by ever single windy effort along my way. I must stand firm by His promises and not be moved by anything that conflicts with His Word.

Many times in this society, it is stressed that our confidence is by what we do for a living, how much money we make, and who we know. But how wrong are we to base our lives on such trivial things? Isn't our confidence supposed to be in the Word of God, who He says we ARE, and who He is?